Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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