she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
