girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
