she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
