so explain again why im purple
no
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
