I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
