had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
either way he was missing a nipple.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
