the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
