The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
