if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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