i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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