i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
