if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
