Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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