At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
