he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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