I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
