dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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