Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
