Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
