"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
