I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
