how hairy? two words: wookie tits
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
