Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
