I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
