This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
