This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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