the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
