when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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