Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
