They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
