apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
