Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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