Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
They have beer where we have blood.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
