so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
