i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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