90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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