I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize