I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
