i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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