i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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