The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
