My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
