Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
