I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
