Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
