He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
