I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize