My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
