did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
