Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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