At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
