I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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