I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
