The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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