First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She bit a glass in half.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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